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As well-intended as you may be, playing your loved one’s game when they’re struggling with addiction only makes matters worse. It’s natural to be scared of what will happen when you stop enabling – so what should you do to support them?
It’s only natural to want to help. But sometimes that ‘help’ actually makes it easier for your loved one to maintain their addiction, worsening their situation – and yours.
We often want to do everything in our power to take care of our loved ones. Things like lending them money, making excuses for their behaviour to family and friends, calling in sick to work for them or paying their bills or rent so they don’t get evicted all stem from a desire to help.
But these acts can actually be detrimental to your addicted loved one, because it means that they never have to face the full consequences of their own actions. This allows their addiction to continue, and worsen.
What is Enabling And Why is it Harmful?
Enabling is when someone supports an addict with the intention of helping, but in reality, it only makes it easier for them to continue their substance abuse behaviour.
Typical examples of enabling an addict include paying their rent, giving them a place to stay, or “cleaning up their messes” by calling out of work, making excuses, or performing their responsibilities for them.
The problem here is that this well-intentioned “help” is actually hurting your loved one. It’s shielding them from the consequences of their actions and maybe even preventing them from seeking treatment.
We understand that you want to shield them from pain and consequences, but enabling them only reduces their accountability, delays seeking treatment, and fosters dependence. Enabling them only keeps them trapped in their cycle of addiction.
What Are The Common Signs of Enabling And What’s The Psychology Behind Them?
The following list contains some common enabling behaviours, why we engage in them, and how they’re hurting the addict’s recovery:
- Ignoring Dangerous Behaviours: Ignoring behaviours or problematic substance use is often due to a combination of denial, love, fear of conflict, and a desire to protect the user. However, it can also be due to emotional dependence, which is why it’s often difficult to get the enabler to stop engaging in this harmful behaviour.
- Supporting The Addict Financially: Paying for your loved one’s bills, attorney fees, car, or housing fees (e.g, rent) is a common way we allow addicts to continue using without experiencing negative consequences. This often comes from a place of hope that they’ll change or a feeling of guilt that we are somehow responsible for their situation. In other cases, it allows the enabler to feel like a martyr who is supporting their loved one financially. More on the family dynamics of addiction in the next section.
- Lying or Making Excuses For The Addict: Lying or making excuses is when someone covers up the problem for the addict and tries to clean up their messes. They may make excuses like “he’s just stressed at work” or “she’s going through a phase”. This just furthers the cycle of dependence and minimizes the severity of the situation. This is often a way of attempting to shield a person from the consequences of their actions out of love.
- Reconciliation or Denial: We often deny the addict even has a substance use problem to avoid the emotional pain that comes with admitting there’s an issue. The enabler may even repeatedly take their partner, spouse, or loved one back under promises that they’ll “change”.
- Taking on Their Responsibilities: Performing their responsibilities like child care, household chores, payments, or even work-related tasks is a clear sign that you’re enabling their addiction to continue. This is often done out of love or guilt, but may also be done for a sense of control over the situation.
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How do Family Roles Affect Addiction And Enabling?
Addiction is a family disease, and when one person within a family system suffers from addiction, it affects the entire family unit in one way or another.
Often, the family itself feels broken and on edge, constantly worrying about the addict and their physical and mental well-being.
The problem here is that families will usually take on specific roles within the family system in order to cope with the chaos and stress of addiction, but these family roles can actually work to maintain the substance abuse rather than heal it. The reason for this is that people within the family unit may want to maintain the status quo rather than “rock the boat” – this is often done inadvertently.
The six dysfunctional family roles in addiction are:
- The Caretaker: The caretaker usually enables the addict the most. This person takes on the addict’s responsibilities, manages their life, and shields them from consequences. Essentially, they’re the ones cleaning up their messes, which prevents the addict from facing the reality of their situation. The caretaker often sees themselves as a martyr, and may inadvertently continue the negative cycle of addiction due to fear of losing their role in the family.
- The Hero: The hero is the other family role that enables the addict directly. They’re often a perfectionist who excels in school, work, or other areas. They do this in order to bring a sense of normalcy to the family, which distracts from addressing the addiction directly.
- The Scapegoat: The scapegoat acts out or engages in negative behaviours, drawing attention away from the addict and shifting blame, which diverts focus from the addiction.
- The Mascot: Uses humour and lightheartedness to deflect attention from the addiction, which can downplay the seriousness of the situation.
- The Lost Child: Withdraws and avoids involvement in family dynamics, which contributes to denial and avoidance of the addiction.
- The Addict: The addict is the person in the family who abuses substances. They become the focal point of the family’s attention, naturally inviting enabling behaviours as family members adjust to manage the chaos caused by the addiction.
Please believe us when we say this: You CANNOT help an addict to heal their addiction without understanding this family dysfunction and your role in it. We see it every day here at our treatment facility. Healing addiction requires treating the entire family.
The nature of family roles in addiction has been studied extensively. It’s a fact.
One 2013 study, “The Impact of Substance Use Disorders on Family And Children”, from the National Library of Medicine, explicitly states:… “The individual cannot be fully understood or successfully treated without first understanding how that individual functions in his or her family system.”
Here at The Cabin Sydney, we have successfully treated countless patients suffering from addiction through family therapy. When every family member is on board and willing to get help, the outcomes are incredible. Family therapy provides a safe space for families to discuss their issues along with a trained counselor to serve as mediator.
Stop Enabling an Addict With These 7 Tips
1. Admit to The Reality of The Situation
Once you admit that you’re enabling an addict, you can change your behaviour – and begin empowering them to heal their addictions.
Remember, it’s not unusual to turn a blind eye when you first start seeing signs of your loved one’s addiction. After all, you love them, and just want to “help”.
But when you do so, you’re allowing the situation to grow worse.
Most addicts not only lie to loved ones about the severity of their addiction – they lie to themselves as well. If you don’t confront them about what you know is going on, they may think they’ve gotten away with it. This will only worsen their maladaptive behaviours.
2. Stop Helping Them Financially
Want to know how to stop enabling an addict?
Stop giving them money.
We know it can be painful to stop giving money to family members suffering from alcohol or drug addiction, but it’s time to put your foot down. It has to stop now.
If your loved one suffers from substance abuse issues, there’s a good chance your money is being used to support their addictions.
And worse, the more you give, the less they learn to be self-reliant.
Remember, it’s not because you don’t love them. It’s the opposite – you DO love them, and you want them to recover from their issues, learn self-reliance, and grow into a better person. That’s the best kind of love you can give.
Here’s how to do it the safe way…
You don’t want to just abandon them right away and leave them to fend for themselves. For example, if the addict lives with you, don’t just throw them out on the street. Have a discussion with them and let them know that you’ll no longer be supporting them financially. You can still offer to pay basic expenses like rent or offer to pay for treatment, but let them know everything else will be cut off.
3. Stop Covering For Them (Let Them Experience The Consequences of Their Addictions)
It’s common for people to want to “clean up after” or “cover for” an addict as a way of downplaying or hiding their issue. Some examples of covering for an addict include:
- Making an alibi for why they skipped work
- Making excuses like “Oh, that’s just how they are!” or “They’re just stressed out right now!”
- Bailing them out of jail
- Taking care of their children when they’re using
- Doing their household chores
- Covering up incidents of intoxication like empty alcohol bottles, arguments, or soiled bed sheets
These protective behaviours only shield them from the consequences of their actions. This, in turn, delays their realisation that something is wrong and that they need to begin their path to recovery.
You must let the addict feel the full brunt of their negative actions. If they’re facing legal trouble, let them. If they’re not going to work, let them face the consequences. Remember that you’re doing this out of love. We know that you don’t want to see them suffer, but sometimes the only way to recover from addiction is to suffer.
4. Know That You Can’t ‘Fix’ Them
People often enable addicts in the hope that they can “fix” them or that they’ll “come to their senses” and “grow out of it”.
For example, you might be letting your son or daughter with an addiction live with you after they’ve been evicted for not paying their rent, while at the same time hoping that this will “fix their behaviour”.
Sadly, addiction doesn’t work like that. It is a disease that requires treatment. Treating addiction requires:
- Admitting there’s a problem
- A desire to get sober
- Acceptance and personal responsibility
As long as you are allowing their cycle of addiction to continue, none of these things will happen.
Also, know that this addiction and all of its consequences are not your fault. Your loved one has a mind of their own. And, although you can’t ‘fix’ it, you can help guide them towards professional help. In some cases, this may require performing an intervention.
5. Set Rules And Boundaries (And Stick to Them)
Consequences are the key to getting your loved one to realise the severity of their problem and get help. That means you must set boundaries and actually stick to them.
The addict will most likely do or say anything to get you to let their addiction continue. Do not break – stick to your boundaries.
Examples of boundaries you can set with your loved one are:
- No alcohol or drugs in the house
- No use around children
- No financial support if they lose their job
- Mandatory treatment participation if they stay with you
- No more lying to others or covering for their mistakes
Just remember that you have to stand by your word: Empty threats only send the message that you’re not serious.
When it comes to an addicted spouse, especially when kids are involved, the situation can get complicated. Seek guidance from a professional if you’re not sure how to navigate this.
6. Practice self-care.
It’s important to practice self-care and not be codependent with the person suffering from a substance abuse disorder. In other words, don’t let your happiness depend on their happiness.
There’s a reason they tell you on aeroplanes to put your own oxygen mask on first – because if you’re not doing well yourself, you won’t have what it takes to look after others.
If your happiness is tied to the addict’s, you’ll go out of your way to enable their condition. Instead, start doing more things that you enjoy without them.
Make sure to practice self-care in the following ways:
- Eating well
- Getting good sleep
- Doing at least one hobby you love per week
- Getting some quiet “me time” where you aren’t dealing with the addict
- Talking to a therapist about your issues
7. Remember that ‘tough love’ doesn’t mean ‘no love’.
Tough love can seem unbearable when you put it into practice.
But remember: although it feels difficult at the moment, you’re doing what’s best for your loved one.
You’re guiding them towards making a life change that will ultimately serve them far better than their current behavioural patterns.
Just practice saying “no” and being open and honest about the situation. Let them know that you’ve been enabling their addiction for too long and that you’re doing this out of love – not spite.
How Can I Support My Loved One Without Enabling?
The best way to provide real, helpful support to your loved one is by encouraging them to seek professional addiction treatment for their addiction and attending family counselling with them.
Supporting someone you care about without aiding their negative relationship with drugs or alcohol is incredibly difficult. We know exactly what you’re going through and how hard it is.
But it IS POSSIBLE.
It requires patience, emotional support, encouragement, and empowerment. You need to stop bailing them out and let them take full responsibility. It’s the only way to get them to seek help.
Here are a few things you can do to support someone without enabling their addiction further:
- Learn About Addiction: The more you know about addiction the more you can show compassion for and actually help someone who is addicted. We recommend you start by learning about family therapy and the 12-step programmes available in Australia.
- Encourage Them to Seek Help: Offer to help them find therapy, rehab, or support groups to recover from addiction. Instead of paying their bills and giving them cash, offer to pay for their recovery costs if possible.
- Empower Them Through Encouragement: Let them know that you believe in their recovery and you think they can do it. You could also help them develop much-needed skills or give them opportunities such as employment (so long as they aren’t in active addiction).
- Give Them What They Need to Recover: This one is a bit tricky. What we mean is that you should give them the tools and support they need to recover. If they need help paying for therapy, help them if you can. If they need a ride to an outpatient treatment centre, bring them. If they need a place to stay once out of rehab, let them stay (so long as they respect your boundaries).
- Attend Therapy With Them: Remember, addiction is a family disease. The entire family must be willing to aid in the recovery process if you want your loved one to recover. Family therapy can be a lovely experience with incredible outcomes for mental health and wellbeing, but they can’t do it alone. You should commit to ongoing therapy with the person suffering from addiction to learn positive ways of coping and how to support them.
How Can The Cabin Sydney Help With Addiction Treatment?
You’ll never be able to break the cycle of enabling an addict unless you gain a deeper understanding of addiction, family dynamics, and the personal issues that affect everyone in your family system
As long as you are focused on just “helping” the person with an addiction rather than treating the entire family as a unit, the cycle of addiction will continue.
If you want to treat addiction, EVERYONE in the family needs to be treated – not just the addict.
At The Cabin Sydney, we’ve seen amazing transformations occur when families commit to therapy together.
The education, coping skills, and safe space to talk through your issues result in better communication, stronger relationships, healthier boundaries, and most importantly, an end to the chaos of addiction.
At The Cabin Sydney, we have helped countless families recover from addiction together and build stronger, healthier bonds. We offer inpatient, outpatient, and teletherapy services for families struggling with the horrors of addiction. You don’t need to keep suffering. Contact admissions today for your free consultation to learn how we can help you. Your government insurance may cover a portion of the costs!